I was with Mike, my now ex-boyfriend for four years. I honestly believe that we were happy for the most part however, we really did find that we wanted different things. I have set up a whole life in Hertfordshire, I have a rented flat which I am currently trying to purchase, a job in London and I am settled. Despite considering a move back to Norfolk, I honestly don’t believe that it would be the right thing for me. Mike, is really trying to find out who he is. He wants to go travelling, doesn’t want marriage or kids and isn’t into building a career where you have to work 12 hours a day. The end of our relationship was almost predicted at some point but why did it hurt so much?
I have come out of longer relationships in the past but this breakup I found particularly difficult. I had time off work and disppeared to Norfolk for a bit to try and recover. It was (and still is to a degree) hard. I find the thought of someone who you spend every moment of your time with, texting, speaking, thinking of becoming a stranger so hard. I find that when I have good news I want to tell Mike and when I am sad I want him to make everything ok. I live alone and have done for a while but it is that time alone I am now finding the most difficult, before, he would know what I was doing and send me texts if I needed company but now it is just me and my empty flat.
I have spent the past few weeks reflecting on my life and I am stronger than I ever imagined, I managed to go back to work, spend time alone in my flat and even went on a date. I am not broken from the relationship, I have just been knocked. It has knocked my confiedence and I find myself questionning what was wrong with me (am I not pretty enough, am I too skinny, was I really that boring…) but in reality I am fine, I am me and I cannot change that to try in order keep a broken relationship together.
It would have been easy to have finished Uni or my TC and moved back to Norfolk to set up a life with Mike. Maybe we would have a house by now and be settled but that was never who I was and I honestly don’t believe it is who is he. He needs to see the world and I need to focus on my career. As he keeps telling me ‘these things happen’ and he is right.
For now, I am going to enjoy this time in my life where I am alone. I am slowly approaching 30 and most people don’t have these years to discover who they are. I am going to work hard to make my career a success… I didn’t push myself through Uni, Law School, hundreds of TC applications to just give up now. I am going to focus on friends, friends which maybe I have neglected a bit over the past 4 years, friends who understand what it is like to be me. I am going to meet people, people with different interests than mine to grow my understanding and my mind, I am going to read to broaden my horizons and I will travel. I may not have the same aspirations to see the world as Mike but I want to see it in my own way.
Things are hard at the moment and I cannot pretend that I don’t find myself alone crying sometimes, but I know things will get better. Mike & I didn’t work as a couple but I hope one day, we will be friends, best friends. We have so much in common and I love him so much that I cannot imagine my whole life without him. I am gratful for all he taught me, and it was a lot. I would not have coped this well in this situation 4 years ago. He made the move to London easier and encouraged every aspect of my life, for which I am forever greatful.
Love, Minnie x