Recently someone I liked, thought that I jumped into bed with someone else as soon as he had ended
something well in reality it was nothing to end. This hurt but I don’t know why? Why do I care what he or anyone else thinks. I know that I didn’t sleep with someone else that quickly, I know that I am not like that. He doesn’t need to know, so why did I apologise for him thinking that. Why did it hurt that he thought that of me? Even if I did jump into bed with someone else, he had ended it, he had ignored me for almost two weeks before drunk snapchatting me at 3am, it shouldn’t have made any difference to him.
This guys barely knew me, knew nothing of my past and I hadn’t opened up about past relationships, but he still felt the need to judge me. I don’t know why I let myself get into these situations. I cried over this judgement for a week, I ended up going to bed early every day and just cried my eyes out. I even explained that he had hurt me but this didn’t make any difference as he didn’t even apologise for what he had said. I think even drunk at 3am, I wouldn’t want to hurt someone who I had been getting close to.
I wish, during the short time that we spent together, I had opened up more. I wish I had told him more about the anxiety, depression and how dark life can be sometimes. Maybe then he would have been able to understand the way I acted when he ended
it. Again, there was nothing really to end. Nothing had begun. It may have changed the way he judged me, even a throw away comment is something which I will spend hours over thinking and worrying about.
Sometimes, I wish I could be that girl who can just get over someone so quickly and even sleep with someone just to make the pain so away. I can’t. I am not like that and however, hard I try or wish I will not be that girl. In the long run, I will be happier that I am not like that and I think when I eventually find someone who is worth spending the rest of my life with, they will appreciate the fact that I am not like that.
For now, I will stop explaining myself and will start concentrating on me and my needs! I will not let myself get worked up with the fact that someone thinks I am not good enough for them or that they think I may be too loyal or too needy. I can only be myself and one day I hope that someone will appreciate it.
Love, Minnie x